Hi,
I am 27, Married, 3 Kids, Live in Australia and I have bipolar disorder.
I don't really want to give out my name, in fear that somebody will know who I am and I don't want people I know reading my blog or as I am treating it 'my diary'.
So this is my first post. From the moment I was born something was different about me my parents always said. I have had many problems since I was a child mental and physical. (please excuse poor grammar and spelling, unfortunately being medicated by nearly every drug in the MIMs has robbed me of my memory among a lot else.
As a child my father was abusive to me I'd get the belt and screamed at I was petrified of him I still am. When I was 4 years old I was molested by the boys next door. Of course my mother does nothing she just buries her head in the sand. I started to get a lot of urine infections after that and started defecating my underwear anywhere I would go. Most of my childhood I remember how I liked seeing other people hurt (which is weird because I am not like that at all anymore) I look back and I think 'what and absolute witch I was'.
When I was 6 yrs old my parents separated. I didn't care- I was probably relieved. I had severe separation anxiety towards my mum. I would never sleep at a friends house or anything I never wanted to be without her.
I just dragged myself through school, never was a high achiever (which is funny because I am always told by people I am very intelligent) I was always scared of my teachers especially males. I was scared of all males pretty much my whole life, until I became a teenager.
I left school at 15 because the kids treated me like shit because I wanted to look different I was a punk in high school. I wanted to be different, I didn't want to conform to other peoples standards I wanted to be who I wanted to be and express myself in a way I wanted to.
When I first started high school I met my best friend. I was hanging around the popular group (it was probably within the first 10 days of school) and she was left out. So I asked the girls 'Hey what about Natalie, she should come sit with us'. They were horrible they replied something along the lines of 'No way' So she was all on her own first year of high school. And at the age where you want to fit in I had no back bone.... however for some reason it must have been spiritual or something. I picked up my books and went and sat with her.
Forever an outcast since then. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Today we are still best friends she had her son at 17 -18 and I helped raise him. I will do a post about her because she is such an amazing person. Anyway.
After teasing and stuff I found my back bone and I stood up for myself didn't take shit. When I was 13 I met my first Boyfriend. He was crazy he use to vandalise things always getting in trouble... It was puppy love I was with him for about a year and a half.
When I turned 15 I was trying to kill myself my moods were up and down, so I was referred to a psychiatrist. At my first appointment I was put on medication and not long after I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II, Anxiety, PTSD and gosh knows what else.
However when I turned 15 I met my next boyfriend. I'll call him the Devil. I was 15 and he was 21. He mentally abused me from almost the start. He tried isolating me. He was aggressive towards my family. All huge red flags of an abusive relationship. Eventually his violence turned physical. I'd be spat on, punched kicked, screamed at. At one point he nearly raised his hand to me infront of my mother. He also lied about everything the smallest of things it was weird. He was weird! and ruined my life.
The only way I saw out of the relationship was with a guy I was chatting to online he was 26 and I was 17 I'll call him Derek. He said all the right things and I slept with him. The next day I told the Devil it was over and to pack his crap. I went and stayed with a friend until he had left. He did do a bit of stalking for a few months.
I saw Derek as a life saver- I thought we were going to become a couple and be together. At the end of the day all I was, was a booty call but I was too young, dumb and in love to realise. He broke my heart. I guess I was a booty call.
My moods flicked in about the January (same time I met Derek) and I was doing things I never thought I'd do. Un safe sex with people. Sex for weed. I'd get into physical fights with grown men. I'd be drunk every weekend... even had a fake I.D. I use to go and muck around up in the bush with my family that live there... I was on the high of my life the world seemed to be this beautiful amazing place that what mine for the taking. it was so fun at the time. But with Bipolar disorder What comes up comes back down.
After all the mayhem it was around september that same year my moods started to go down. I met the man who I unknowingly would start a relationship with, have a child and married. The first time I met my husband, Natalie was there. She said to me "you are going to marry him one day" I blew it off. He was very sarcastic unemotional... nothing like me. For the first time I had became friends with a guy before being sexual with them. So he kept accepting my invitation to come over and watch movies and stuff together.
I would say it took about a month and a half for me to realise that I had feelings for him. I didn't know how to tell him, I was 17 still he was 19. I asked him one night what did he see when he looks into my eyes and he said "Pain" he knew nothing of my past. Eventually I had to tell Hubby that I had feelings for him- I was going up to the bush for a Hens night and I wanted to know where we stood re; boundaries/our relationship. So I said "Look I Am going to a Hens night next weekend, and I just wanted to know if we were a (thing)" he asked did I want to be in a "thing" with him and I said yes. From there on my heart... I cannot explain it, its like it just knew he is the one.
Ok so that is a little tiny summary of my life (LOL Tiny) If I get people reading and such I can answer questions or keep posting stuff. I always have some kind of story to tell. Apologise again for poor writing and grammar, My memory and such has been destroyed by years and years of medication.
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