Daddy Catch up (forgot to blog just remembered)

So I met up with my dad I was so nervous leading up, I took up smoking again!

I am on conception which makes it so I don't menstruate.... I started bleeding out of stress (it's happened a few times when I get really stressed) eww anyway.

The day came and we met at a park. He was there and his partner. I was there with hubs and my 3 kids.

Things were awkward. Dad and I chatted alright. I was trying to talk and engage with his partner but we didn't really get anywhere.

Then dad and I went for a drive to get food and to "talk" about the issues we had.

I let him speak and I took it in and truly apologised and plan in working with it.

When it was my turn. My dad said I was talking bullshit and that he only screamed at me when I was doing something stupid. (Dude my dad would literally fly off the handle about split milk) I also said he belittles me. He asked for occasions where he did that.... it is all the time I couldn't just pull one incident out my arse.

THEN! He had a go at my mum he said "your mother, I am just so mad at her and I will never speak to that woman again, the way you and your brother are now are her fault"

Ok hold up. My mother raised on her own a mentally fucked up child (me) and a disabled son (my bro) all on her own ok... cut her some slack! I wouldn't be standing if I didn't have mum all those years she is a fucking saint.

She even had the amount my dad owed her every month for caring for us lowered because he couldn't afford it. They got along so well until dads boyfriend started getting jealous.

Dad was cunning he said the stuff about mum while we were getting out of the car so I couldn't have a rebuttal in front of the kids. So all I did was shed tears (I had sun glasses on so no one could see) dad walked ahead and hubby came up to me and I said I wanted to go home. Hubby then said stay strong for the kids.

I again tried to talk to dads partner but we were getting no where.

I invited dad and his partner to see my new house, his partner didn't come...how ever my brother came just to stand in so dad didn't do his usually rip me to shreds.

Things were good it was like old times. Chatted and laughed talked about what we've been up to and stuff!

Then he came over another day and same thing.... was like old times.

So I'll guess we will just keep it as it is.

At least he and I are speaking.

Happy Easter... NOT

So it is Easter.
My little boy came into my room at some ungodly hour of the night.... I pulled him up into mine and Hubbies bed when I stir both my son and Hubb were gone. I hate my kids kicking hubby out of bed. Anyway.

I hate all important days Birthdays, Easter and Christmas all that crap. For some reason I get moody and lose my shit. Does anyone else get like this?

On another note. My Oxynorms are driving me crazy I cannot keep still once I take them.... if I don't take them ill withdraw....as I said I am going crazy. Glad my husband has some time off. Means I'll get more time with him and you know other things (no matter what mood I have a high libido)

I have also had an issue with best friend. It was her fault (usually I hold a grudge forever but its her and I need her and I care for her) so I am pretty unhappy right now.

Ahhh what the hell. Nobody reads this anyway. So it's my little online diary :)

Sick AGAIN!

No wonder I have been feeling like arse. I have pneumonia AGAIN! I've had it 7 times in a 18 month period. So I am on anti biotics, hope they work. I hate being sick nearly everyday.

I finally found a long stay lip stick that has won my heart.
I have tried Jeffrey Star and Lime Crime. But Kat Von D's everlasting liquid lipstick wins.

I wish people were reading my diary.  So I can find people like me.

My view of my Bipolar as a change of season, I've been pretty low for a few months now. I've never had a 'normal' time. I have no idea what it feels like to be 'normal'.

Peace out
X

My little online diary.

I am starting to get nervous. In just under 2 weeks time I am seeing my father and his partner- they moved to Brisbane.

We had a huge falling out to say the least.

They don't know this but I tried to kill myself just before they moved because my dad and I were so close I didn't want to lose him. I honestly prepared to die.... I woke up over 12 hours later.

Anyway, I went up to visit him with my daughter for a week when they settled in. They were so horrible and I could here them whispering stuff to eachother.

At one point I did my washing and went to hang it out I injured my ankle and my knee cap... my dad cracked it because I rang up crying because I couldn't bare weight and was in a lot of pain. Turned out that I was in a moon boot for say 3 weeks?

Dad's partner...who I also called dad. Says I am a drug addicted and I am not allowed in there home until I am off drugs..... wtf? What drugs? My oxy for pain? Or my Xanax for anxiety? I am working on it I've been on them for years.

I saw what dad's partner said and I just saw red. I unleashed hell. I took it way to far. But it's how I felt.  There was however no need for name calling from myself, that was just childish and I'll accept responsibility for that part.

If it doesn't work out.... I don't think he will see me and my children again. But I'll do almost anything for him to love me again (usually I am not forgiving and I won't take all the blame. But I'm willing too if I get my dad back)

Anyway. Since my last post. I've been having my really bad stomach aches, gas and brown water that stinks... sorry TMI
But if you knew me I am worried I have a stomach issue or a bowel issue (my Nanna died at 52 of bowel cancer) my aunty and uncles have polyps  (which can turn cancerous) and my mum and dad have had them too. I tell my doctor and she said "it might just be you " so I have to live in pain and worry and be home bound because I crap everywhere.

On a positive note my beautiful eldest daughter is going for her second ballet exam and a Jazz competition . I am so proud of her, well I am proud of all my children.

I feel so thankful and lucky to have my whole family and the family hubby and I have created 2 girls and 1 boy.

I am just going to use this as a diary. If people get into it awesome! But if they dont. Oh well!

X

Righto so here we go.

Hi,
I am 27, Married, 3 Kids, Live in Australia and I have bipolar disorder.
I don't really want to give out my name, in fear that somebody will know who I am and I don't want people I know reading my blog or as I am treating it 'my diary'.

So this is my first post. From the moment I was born something was different about me my parents always said. I have had many problems since I was a child mental and physical. (please excuse poor grammar and spelling, unfortunately being medicated by nearly every drug in the MIMs has robbed me of my memory among a lot else.

As a child my father was abusive to me I'd get the belt and screamed at I was petrified of him I still am. When I was 4 years old I was molested by the boys next door. Of course my mother does nothing she just buries her head in the sand. I started to get a lot of urine infections after that and started defecating my underwear anywhere I would go. Most of my childhood I remember how I liked seeing other people hurt (which is weird because I am not like that at all anymore) I look back and I think 'what and absolute witch I was'.

When I was 6 yrs old my parents separated. I didn't care- I was probably relieved. I had severe separation anxiety towards my mum. I would never sleep at a friends house or anything I never wanted to be without her.

I just dragged myself through school, never was a high achiever (which is funny because I am always told by people I am very intelligent) I was always scared of my teachers especially males. I was scared of all males pretty much my whole life, until I became a teenager.

I left school at 15 because the kids treated me like shit because I wanted to look different I was a punk in high school. I wanted to be different, I didn't want to conform to other peoples standards I wanted to be who I wanted to be and express myself in a way I wanted to.

When I first started high school I met my best friend. I was hanging around the popular group (it was probably within the first 10 days of school) and she was left out. So I asked the girls 'Hey what about Natalie, she should come sit with us'. They were horrible they replied something along the lines of 'No way' So she was all on her own first year of high school. And at the age where you want to fit in I had no back bone.... however for some reason it must have been spiritual or something. I picked up my books and went and sat with her.

Forever an outcast since then. But I wouldn't change it for the world. Today we are still best friends she had her son at 17 -18 and I helped raise him. I will do a post about her because she is such an amazing person. Anyway.

After teasing and stuff I found my back bone and I stood up for myself didn't take shit. When I was 13 I met my first Boyfriend. He was crazy he use to vandalise things always getting in trouble... It was puppy love I was with him for about a year and a half.

When I turned 15 I was trying to kill myself my moods were up and down, so I was referred to a psychiatrist. At my first appointment I was put on medication and not long after I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II, Anxiety, PTSD and gosh knows what else.

However when I turned 15 I met my next boyfriend. I'll call him the Devil. I was 15 and he was 21. He mentally abused me from almost the start. He tried isolating me. He was aggressive towards my family. All huge red flags of an abusive relationship. Eventually his violence turned physical. I'd be spat on, punched kicked, screamed at. At one point he nearly raised his hand to me infront of my mother. He also lied about everything the smallest of things it was weird. He was weird!  and ruined my life.

The only way I saw out of the relationship was with a guy I was chatting to online he was 26 and I was 17 I'll call him Derek. He said all the right things and I slept with him. The next day I told the Devil it was over and to pack his crap. I went and stayed with a friend until he had left. He did do a bit of stalking for a few months.

I saw Derek as a life saver- I thought we were going to become a couple and be together. At the end of the day all I was, was a booty call but I was too young, dumb and in love to realise. He broke my heart. I guess I was a booty call.

My moods flicked in about the January (same time I met Derek) and I was doing things I never thought I'd do. Un safe sex with people. Sex for weed. I'd get into physical fights with grown men. I'd be drunk every weekend... even had a fake I.D. I use to go and muck around up in the bush with my family that live there...  I was on the high of my life the world seemed to be this beautiful amazing place that what mine for the taking. it was so fun at the time. But with Bipolar disorder What comes up comes back down.

After all the mayhem it was around september that same year my moods started to go down. I met the man who I unknowingly would start a relationship with, have a child and married. The first time I met my husband, Natalie was there. She said to me "you are going to marry him one day" I blew it off. He was very sarcastic unemotional... nothing like me. For the first time I had became friends with a guy before being sexual with them. So he kept accepting my invitation to come over and watch movies and stuff together.

I would say it took about a month and a half for me to realise that I had feelings for him. I didn't know how to tell him, I was 17 still he was 19. I asked him one night what did he see when he looks into my eyes and he said "Pain" he knew nothing of my past. Eventually I had to tell Hubby that I had feelings for him- I was going up to the bush for a Hens night and I wanted to know where we stood re; boundaries/our relationship. So I said "Look I Am going to a Hens night next weekend, and I just wanted to know if we were a (thing)" he asked did I want to be in a "thing" with him and I said yes. From there on my heart... I cannot explain it, its like it just knew he is the one.

Ok so that is a little tiny summary of my life (LOL Tiny) If I get people reading and such I can answer questions or keep posting stuff. I always have some kind of story to tell.  Apologise again for poor writing and grammar, My memory and such has been destroyed by years and years of medication.